When I looked down the drop down list for the mood, I immediately thought, "I wonder if they have spastic. because I am spastic." but no, they didn't have it. I chose the next best.

Perhaps one day I will back to myself again! I really am coming close. It's hard and it hurts me and others around me.

Perhaps I will live in all the places that I dream about. Brisbane, Melbourne, the UK...

Perhaps I will be loved one day! That feeling is better than ecstasy. Yes, I said it. But some natural highs can beat chemical ones... I know I'm going to regret saying that.

Okay so, therapy is going well. For homework I have to write up a full list of everything I obsess and get compulsive about. Oh god where to start. It's a self analysis and it's a bit personal to me so I wont list them here. Also, I have some breathing exercises to do and some reading material. This is going to work. It will be successful. I will be myself again and I will have all those friends i use to have. Someday.

Having a shit day, it really really really makes you realise who your true friends are. And it's such a shame you don't usually realise them until you have this god-awful day. But then it makes you thankful that you have that life support and safety net to catch you when you fall. If I lost my safety net, I'd be broken.

Bush doof next weekend. Basscamp production - Space Invaders. http://www.basscamp.info It has been down due to maintenance or whatever, but it should be back up sooner or later.
Should be fun. But I'm pretty much going to be alone. I got a little down about this, but decided to put a positive spin on. I'll have time to get away from everyone and everything and have some self-reflection time. I will also be able to take some photographs, do some drawings and talk to randoms. Only having to worry about myself =]
I'll post another entry next weekend or the following week hopefully (if I remember) with some photos, perhaps some videos, maybe even some psychedelic drawings!
I wonder if I will see Tay there? That would be so super divine. We could draw together :)
Duck, (my brother) and I are going to get a dreadlock each. This could be our little bond that we share. I'm going to name mine George and he is going to name his Georgia. I'm thinking that 1 is not enough and I would like 3. But this all depends on so much. I'll post pics if this happens next weekend.
Also, parents don't know I attend these raves. I just say I'm going to a friends house. It makes me feel bad that I have to lie to them but there's no other way I'd be able to go. And to get away with friends, chillax in the middle of a forest, listening to some of the best music i have ever heard... and to just let go and be free... it just means too much to me. To be deprived of this is to be deprived of my vital organs. Well, perhaps that's a bit of a hyperbole.

My fish are going swimmingly. I am so attached to these buggers! Oh, i got 2 new ones since I first introduced my fish back in entry #1. There's an orange and white comet goldfish, named Daidai-Chan and a fat black goldfish with bulgey eyes named Fishnigz ('cause he's black. get it? Not meaning to be offensive <3).

Still unsure about what other people want. I guess I shouldn't pressure though, I've always been sure of what I want and where I'm going. When I'm not, I feel lost. But I guess there are people that can cruise along and play it as it goes. I just want to know whether Alisa is still seriously up for our adventure with Wes up to Brisbane to live! I would have moved south if it wasn't for her pushing and pushing to move north. We settled on Brisbane. But if she's not going, why am I still going to Brisbane? I hate the sun, I hate the heat. Wes suggested Melbourne. I agreed with this choice but suggested perhaps we move to Brisbane first and after a few years we can decide again.
I'm getting a tiddley bit sick of people changing their minds. Is it so hard to take a minute to think about things, organise your thoughts and come out with a straight and final decision? Yes we're all going to Brisbane together. Oh sure, of course, I'd quite enjoy some shopping today. I'd love to go to the beach today, pick you up at 11. These are final decisions. What shits me is the whole, Errr uhhh ummm i'm not sure about going to brisbane anymore. Meh I don't feel like going shopping anymore. Did I say 11? I totally forgot I have to go get my slippers re-fluffified then. Either invest in a better memory or a diary. (I'd probably say a diary is cheaper).

Perhaps i have written enough. Perhaps no one reads my blogs. That's fine. At least I have had this opportunity to get things off my chest.

Don't trip over.

-Mudcake Middypie

I really hate to do this... But I am going to make my first angsty teenage emo post. Please forgive me but I need to get this off my chest.

I'm not sure if it's just me getting paranoid... or everyone is against me :| Doing stupid shit and being childish. Grow up motherfuckers. But yes, I will be immature by writing about you in my livejournal behind your back! Aha!
And it could be just me, but they seem to be doing activities together without inviting me but then rubbing it in my face! People are retarded. I need some loving.

I see the psychologist on saturday. Bright and early... 9am. First appointment with her.
A bit nervous. Not sure what to expect. I've decided that I don't want anyone else going in with me. It's confidential, right? My mum doesn't need to know every painful detail of my life.

I'm on new antidepressants. I've only taken 2 so far and mum thinks there's already a change in my mood. There isn't. She just caught me on the high of one of my mood swings. These should take a few weeks to work but fingers crossed it takes less than that and this time they do work and i'm not allergic to them.

I'm coming to enjoy walking the dog now. It gives me complete time alone where I'm not 'bored' and it's exercise so it's good for me... and the act of walking alone gives me time to clear my head and think about things more clearly. When I'm at my desk at the computer I can think but I usually think too much and get distracted a lot. The dog walking usually lasts 40 minutes and is no longer a chore. But! I am guessing that when I go back to school and have worked all day and walk home, mentally drained... i wont feel like it -_- We'll see.

Due to it being holidays and from my previous experience, I've noticed that I tend to waste a lot of time relaxing, doing nothing ALLLL holidays. Sure it's cool to spend the first few days just sitting on my arse doing exactly what I want to do when I want to do it. School is mentally draining. But I cannot wake up at midday and go to bed at odd times in the morning all holidays. During the dog walk before last, I decided that it would be a cool idea to write up a "Plan of Action" for each day. I'll write it up fresh that morning or the night before. So I know how to schedule my time.
So far so good I suppose. I did at least one thing productive today! I cleaned my boots! And before I go to bed I'm going to coat them with waterproofing spray. One thing productive is better than none. And if I do at least one productive thing each day, I'll end my holidays feeling accomplished rather than that undying guilty feeling I usually get.

I need to do more art.

Okay so I went to a shindig last saturday night and talked to a woodnymph. She knew my brother. She was really nice and showed me her art. I told her how I would love to be a woodnymph too but she said I'm more of a frixie. I had no idea wtf that was so she wrote me up a letter/certificate! I will treasure it forever and ever!



Mmm I think that is all for now. I'll try not to make it a habit of bitching but sometime it needs to come out! I do have some good quality friends though. Ones worth keeping. Ones that are sticking around through the shit times as well as the good :( oh god so emo. :'( <-- emo tear!

Much love! *throws flowers into the air*

-Middleton Middy

I'm sitting here procrastinating from doing my maths homework. It's too hard and I am having serious issues with concentrating anyway. I'm too distracted with all these questions running through my head!
Now I know everyone has questions all the time.
What should I have for breakfast today? Toast or cereal?
Should I wear my purple striped socks or black skull socks to school tomorrow? (Well, perhaps not everyone has that question, maybe just me)
I could keep going, but you get the idea.
I wish there was some way for me to just KNOW what is going to happen. Not with everything... Sometimes surprises can be good. And being spontaneous can also be good. Not all the time though. And it's this time when I want the answers. Maybe it would help me get to sleep at night. Resting assured of good fortune or pancakes for breakfast in the morning (btw, I'm going to make pancakes for breakfast tomorrow).

I'm pretty sure if someone created a machine that made the answers, they would be super rich. As rich as, if not richer, than the person who finally invents a McDonalds ice cream machine that DOESN'T break down every second day.

I am excited but a tad disappointed with the information released about the sims 3. It comes out in 2009 sometime and if you would like to know exactly what i'm talking about, here's the site: http://thesims3.ea.com/
The site says, "Get ready for something big" right? Butte when you take a look at what they've done to release a new sim instead of an expansion pack for sims 2... you will find yourself very disappointed.
Alisa and I were discussing this topic in the maccas carpark the other night (while we drank frozen cokes because, OH MY GOD SHOCK HORROR, the ice cream machine was broken). Her thoughts are that you spend way too long CREATING the character and she just wants to get it over and done with so she can play the game. I agree to a degree. The first time when you create your characters, you get a kick out of changing the height of the nose and how fat they are, or how asian they look, or making them look like someone you know (only to drown them in the pool later on)... But after that, it's strictly down to making characters as fast as possible. In the sims 3, they're boasting about how much longer it will now take to create your character! Making them way more customised!
Why aren't they focusing on the gameplay? Sure, they're making it so you can walk down town and chill with your friends or whatever. But they already had that to a certain degree. Call up a taxi and go downtown... or buy the fscking expansion packs!
If seasons isn't included in the sims3 as the norm i will be happier and forget all my worries. But it also brings me to a new worry. Will it crash 10 times more often? Shit, why am i worrying? It isn't coming out until 2009 and that's only the American release for pc. It'll be another 10 years before I get a mac version in Australia.

I believe I feel a little better now that I've got a couple things off my chest.
I also drew a picture this evening. It's important and big influence on my questions so I am going to share.

Well this is my first post under this name. I've decided that I need to start fresh.
Life is too hectic (and quite frankly too short) to have to deal with past issues.
Another thing I've decided is that I want to keep these posts shorter than my old ones use to be. They were pages and pages long and full of drivel.

A little about Middy:
I'm 17.
Live in Australia.
Female.
My real name isn't actually Middy, it's Anna
I have a dog named Pocky (after the Japanese food, yes), 7 alive fish (Charles Manson, Terry, Goldie, Spot, Retard, Bob and Bert) and one presumed dead fish, Bill. I think Terry ate him.
I love snuggles (with the right person)
I'm an ex coffee addict and ex hugaphobe (a good huggin' got rid of that)
My favourite movie is Hackers (I have a thing for nerds)
My favourite song is always changing. But I still like Clocks by Coldplay (it has been my ringtone for almost 2 years now)
I'm an artistic, creative character (or so I believe to think). I'd love to spend my days in an art studio painting and drawing for the rest of my life (as long as I could get some snuggles now and again i'm sure i'd find a way to survive)
I have close friends and everyone else simply exists
I have crazy concepts about life but don't get me started, there is no end.
I spend my time doing 3 main things; sleep, school, computer.
I'm claustrophobic when in packed crowds. I get disgusted with all the unknown beings around me
I am an excessive compulsive cleaner
I love baking (and getting baked)
I love Dylan Moran (character Bernard Black from Black books) I'd marry him if he'd let me


And so concludes my first post.

-Maniac Middy